Hollywood Happenings

Haley Joel Osment is a Horrible Driver

2006-07-21T06:04:00.000-07:00

Haley Joel Osment crashed his 1995 Staurn the other night bringing up 2 very important issues:

1. That kid can drive?
2. What the fuck happened to his money?

That creepy kid made millions after his Oscar-nominated role in the Sixth Sense and now he is cruising around in a Saturn? I can only assume his parents pulled a Gary Coleman on him or he squandered it all on plastic surgery.

Being the only human being other than Renee Zellweger capable of being blindfolded by a piece of dental floss has to be tramatic for a kid.

Lindsay Lohan or Axl Rose

2006-07-07T06:38:00.000-07:00

A recent image of a woman supposedly to be Lindsay Lohan was taken at the beach. I agree the one on the left is Ms Lohan, but the one on the right in my opinion is not. I believe it to be the long lost Axl Rose and he is searching for Slash so he can apologize to him and get the old band back together.

Timberlake to Diaz: Bye, Bye, Bye

2006-06-22T10:52:00.000-07:00

No doubt annoyed with her quest to save rainforests, alien-like-facial features and endless stream of shitty movies, Justin Timberlake has kicked Cameron Diaz to the curb.

Maybe the reports of Britney's doomed marriage got Justin's attention.

Is it too much to ask for Justin Timberlake and K-Fed to get in a dance fight for the hand of Britney Spears? Is it also asking too much that a trap door opens up and all of them fall into a pool of battery acid?

Jay Z doesnt understand racism.

2006-06-15T13:55:00.000-07:00

Apparently, Jay Z has decided to start a boycott against Cristal. The beloved champaigne of the rappers only because it costs alot and they can afford it. The reason for this boycott comes after Frederic Rouzaud, the managing director of the Cristal Champaigne made a comment stating that the company observes its association with the rap world with "curiosity and serenity.

Jay Z says

"It has come to my attention that the managing director of Cristal, Frederic Rouzaud views the 'hip-hop' culture as "unwelcome attention." I view his comments as racist and will no longer support any of his products through any of my various brands including The 40/40 Club nor in my personal life,"

Newsflash Jay Z, racism is descrimination against one or more races of humans. Rap is not a human it is a genre of music. Good job, start a boycott against a champaigne company because they arent sure they want to be associated with rappers who talk about gangs, killing, and the "hard knock life" in general.

Jay-Z and the 40/40 Club will now be serving only Krug and Dom Perignon to their customers seeking high end champagne products, as well as a mixture of koolaid and colt 45 they like to call Krunk Juice.

Britney's Interview Breakdown

2006-06-15T11:23:00.000-07:00

If Britney really wants to be left alone, why do i keep seeing her fat head all over the television?

Tonight Matt Laurer's hard-hitting interview will finally bring all of Britney's deapest fears and desires to light. To save all of you time, i will post her fears and desires BEFORE the interview. This is the kind of braeking news and inside Hollywood dirt that you can only get here on Hollywood Happenings

Fears

The dark
Candyman
Getting slimed(Britney is a huge YCDTOT fan)
Wolfen

Desires

Me

In regards to the sneak peek, you're welcome.

Julia Roberts is a Shitty Actress

2006-06-13T07:05:00.000-07:00

Despite being universally panned by critics for her lackluster performance in Three Days of Rain, Hollywood’s highest paid actress took a break from marrying/dating weirdos, and presented some award at The Tonys.

Rivaling only Sarah Jessica Parker in worn-out, horse-faced tomfoolery, the toothy Academy Award winning actress acknowledged her suckitude commenting that the Broadway stars were "insanely talented."

It seems that only stage critics have taken notice that Julia plays the exact same role in every movie she has ever been in.

Unfortunately, no one watches the Tonys or cares what Broadway critics have to say. Plus, Oprah has her back. That helps.

American Idol Taylor Hicks Fends Off Gay Rumors

2006-06-07T06:39:00.000-07:00

All you middle-aged homemaker can breathe a sigh of relief. Apparently, the rumors that spastic, silver-haired crooner Taylor Hicks has a little sugar in his gas tank are false.

While most media outlets are crediting The Enquirer with the false outing, i think everyone is missing the obvious. Who would stand to gain the most from starting gay American Idol rumors? Look no further than Rick Astley-on-a-hormone-suppliment himself, Clay Aiken.

While outing Clay is about world-shattering as outing Richard Simmons, the squirrely little songster still refutes rumors that he is gay. That's why diverting attention to perpetual epileptic Hicks works in his best intrest.

Nice try Clay.

Britney Divorcing

2006-06-06T06:48:00.000-07:00

Word on the street is that everyone's favorite unfit mother, Britney Spears, is moving forward with divorce proceedings against rapper/freeloader Kevin Federline. I can't think of two people whose life more closely resembles an episode of Cops.

Not a bad deal for K-Fed. If Britney is only half as retarded as i think she is, i'm sure she didn't get Deadbeaterline to sign a prenup.

So K-Fed; knocks boots with Britney, records a "rap" albumn on her dime, spends her cash on gaudy jewelry and do-rags and skates away with a hefty divorce payout. Maybe he isn't as jaw-droppingly dumb as we all thought. Assuming Britney doesn't kill them first, he'll probably get visitation rights to Sean Preston and a bastard to be named later.

Good ol' Britney...you can take the girl out of the trailer park, but you can't take the trailer park out of the girl.

Splitsville, Population: McConaughey & Cruz

2006-06-05T07:11:00.000-07:00

According to the US Constitution, the first sentence of this post must contain a remark about naked bongo-ing and tweeds. Here are your choices:

1. Late night bongos and hooka-rattling lead to a sleep-deprived Penelope Cruz to call it quits with Matthew McConaughey.

2. In a statement, enscribed on rolling paper and broadcast using ancient tribal drumbeats, Matthew McConaughey and Penelope Cruz called it quits.

3. After gobbling down the last Otis Spunkmeyer cookie one time too many, Matthew McConaughey found himself alone as Penelope Cruz could no longer endure his 45-minute bongo drum rendition of Moby Dick and the shortage of delicious snacks.

Why is everyone so infatuated with Penelope Cruz? Oh, that's right, she's hot.

Hippies stink.

2006-06-03T11:26:00.000-07:00

This past Sunday nite, the hippie jam band Phish performed a concert at the Red Rocks Amphitheater outside of Denver Colorado. As you would expect the venue was filled with unshowered hackie sack loving hippies, when something unexpected happened to the band after about 40 minutes into one song called "You Enjoy Myself" four members of the band collapsed.

The four band members did not collapse from the unneccesarily long song they were performing, but rather the overwhelming stench of dirty hippies, marijuana, and patchouli oil that the fans use as opposed to bathing. The 4 band members had to be rushed to the hospital where they were revived with emergency oxygen treatement. The amazing smells that come from their fans was not a surprise to the band though, as they have a 45 million dollar on stage ventillation system, which I believe they call the "Stank-be-gone" that they take to all of their concerts with them. Unfortunately the device had a malfunction this night.

The rescue personnel took no chances with the crowds powerfull smell, as they came out on stage to rescue the band wearing gas-masks, which infuriated the crowd who began to throw hacky sacks and bongs at them. This mini riot eventually led the police to spray the crowd down with high pressue fire hoses which were filled with a powerful soap/water mixture.

Kathy Breyer, one of the oderific fans stated "That was so wrong of those cops, man. And worst of all, they did it right when the band was getting ready to play 'Slave to the Traffic Light'." Personally I think she was just upset that she was given a bath by "The Man".

Source and full story:The Onion

Kevin Federline knows what it means to work hard.

2006-06-02T09:00:00.000-07:00

Kevin Federline certainly is a work of art. He goes from dancing behind Britney on stage, to "dancing" behind Britney in the bedroom. They now have one child together named Preston, and Britney Spears is allready preggers with a second. US Weekly quoted Kevin recently as saying:

My kids are going to have to learn what a real job is, what life is. You don't have it easy with me. Period. My kids are going to work at Taco Bell, dammit.

If K-fed isnt careful, he might be carpooling with his children to Taco Bell to work the night shift toghether. Recently Britney Spears posted a poem on her website presumably about Kevin Federline saying how she was not happy with him anymore and that he was lazy (how shocking!). I find it very funny that Kevin says his kids are going to know what it means to have a real job, when all he does all day is follow Britney around like a pet dog and live off of her money.

Anna Nicole vs. Britany Spears

2006-06-02T06:43:00.000-07:00

Never one to be outdone, Anna Nicole is taking aim at Britany's reign as Hollywoods most unfit mother.

Child therapists around the world licked their lips as Smith publically annouced her pregnacy via her website earlier this week. Due to her slurred speech, it is expected that the child, like Nell, will speak a language unique to the Smith family.

Anna knows she has a long way to go to catch the baby-droppin-inproper-carseat-installin-baby-skull-crackin-married-to-freeloadin-hobo Spears, but if i know Anna, it's only a matter of time.

I guess it's a good sign that Anna Nicole has taken a break from the octogenarian set and moved on to men who don't ejaculate dust...

Eva Longoria cant afford 17 dollars.

2006-06-01T09:51:00.000-07:00

Eva Longoria, may infact be one of the hottest women to grace planet earth. Evidence of this can be found in Maxim Magazine, and as we all know, they are never wrong about these types of things. Unfortunatly being hot doesnt always get you free drinks. Recently Eva was out on a date with Saved by the Bell superstar Mario Lopez (A.C. Slater) at a bar in Toluca Lake. Reports from a few of the locals said that Mario was nice to everyone and mingled with the crowd, while Eva on the other hand refused to talk with anyone.

Once Mario was finished working the crowd and flexing his biceps or telling stories of great dog tricks that he's seen on his current show that he hosts, the waitress brought the 17 dollar bill to Eva who handed the waitress a 100 dollar bill. When the waitress brought her the change, Eva reportedly snatched the change and said in an upset manner "Celebrities should be comped!" and stormed out without leaving a tip.

Im not sure whats more sad about this story, a woman who is now making tons of money starring on Desperate Housewives is upset about paying a 17 dollar bill, or that she was out on a date with Mario Lopez in the first place.

Peter Brady and Adrianne Curry One Step Closer To Divorce

2006-06-01T07:56:00.000-07:00

By getting married Monday evening 48-year-old Christopher Knight and his half-witted, over-the-top, 23-year-old bride Adrianne Curry took the final steps leading up to their imminent divorce.

When talking about the good things that came out of The Surreal Life 4, their relationship still plays a distant second to Verne Troyer's late night pisscapades.

While we can all appreciate the desperate attempt to stay in the spotlight, how much longer do we have to endure this train wreck? Knight is Golden Girls, Curry is Laguna Beach...this is never going to work.

We can only hope their nuptials somehow produce more Curry nipple-slippage.

Madonna Realizes she sucks.

2006-05-31T17:53:00.000-07:00

Madonna, apparently got upset with a man in the front row of her most recent concert on Sunday May 28, 2006 in Las Vegas when she noticed that he was not dancing or enjoying the show. When Madonna spotted the man he was not dancing, nor smiling, nor singing the infectious words. Either because he didnt like to be touched like a virgin, or in the middle of the concert he realized that he wasn't gay and was trying to figure out why he got front row seats to see Madonna in the first place.

Madonna yelled at the man saying:

If you are only going to sit there, at least you can smile".

The only way Madonna is going to get anymore smiles is to continue her MTV Video Awards performance with the Britney Spears kiss.

Ice Cube vs. Oprah

2006-05-31T13:04:00.000-07:00

In what could shape up to be the lamest rap feud of all time, multiple hip-hop stars including 50 Cent, Ludacris and Ice Cube have begun to sound off about the unfair treatment they have received from the all-powerful Oprah and her show's parent company Harpo Studios.

While their beef may be rooted in legitamacy, it strikes me as strange that the rap community thinks that the same old chicks that watch Oprah give a rat's ass about their music.

The same withered old bags that get off on Liftime movies that star Annie Potts and Meridith Baxter-Birney are not interested in your rhymes Cube...sorry.

Axl Rose gets smacked around by Tommy Hilfiger

2006-05-21T07:04:00.001-07:00

Recently, 44 year old singer of Guns N Roses, Axl Rose was invited to peform at a private birthday party for Rosario Dawson. Bad luck seems to be following Axl around. Not only does the New Guns N Roses suck, but he got smacked around by 55 year old Tommy Hilfiger.

An argument occurred after Axl moved Tommy Hilfger's girlfriends drink. Axl says he was moving it so that it didnt spill which seems like a pretty legitimate thing to do. Hilfiger noticed and smacked Axl Rose in the arm and told him to put it back, he then continued smacking Axl in the arm in a non playful mannor. Axl is quoted saying "It was the most surreal thing, I think, that's ever happened to me in my life." Others in attendance included Lenny Kravitz, Mickey Rourke, Kid Rock, Peter Beard, Molly Simms, Wentworth Miller, Ann Dexter Jones, Lydia Hearst and Damon Dash.

The party was held at The Plumm in Manhattan's Chelsea neighborhood, and after the scuffle, Axl still agreed to perform, which is a miracle in itself considering his past record. He peformed a song called "You're Crazy" and dedicated it to Mr. Tommy Hilfiger.

New Blog

2006-05-18T13:16:00.000-07:00

Ive decided to start a blog about all the happenings going on in Hollywood, and the entertainment business. Here you will be able to find rumors and news about all the celebrities.

Stay tuned for more!